Fed UP!!!!!!!!

I am so damn tired of being crucified by that woman! I cannot take another moment of it. Why is it her responsibility to stick her nose so far into my business that I can't sneeze without telling her first! Just because you owe a person money doesn't mean that your entire life is indebted to that person. I make my monthly payment and she still feels the need to bitch at me EVERYDAY for my choices. I just got done writing her an email telling her not to call me anymore if this is how she is going to be. I cannot and will not spend my life 2000 miles away from a woman that still drives me totally insane by degrading me and crucifying me at every turn! I also wrote a letter to my stepdad because it seems everytime her and I cut ties him and I cannot talk ne more and he misses out on the grandkids. I am tired of cutting everyone out just because she cannot treat me human. Her fuckin dogs get treated better then me and I am so beyond done with it!

Looking for a job....

Well with the current economy standings and our finances as they are its time I find a job. Christmas is right around the corner and with all our bills I want to be sure we can afford gifts for the boys. I've been looking around for jobs and its kinda depressing when you've spent so much time at home to realize your not going to find a job as easy as you once used to. But hopefully this one pans out. It's not anything major but its an income its 10 miles away so not too bad. I'd be a server for an Italian Resturant in Tempe. I'd work 4pm till 10pm so not a whole lot of time away from my family but just enough to make a lil extra income. I have to go in tonight at 6pm to talk with the guy and fill out the application so lets hope all goes well and I don't get laughed outta the joint for not having any experience. Although isn't waiting on ur kids hand and foot kinda like being a server? LOL I highly doubt that will help me get a job though. Oh well one can hope though. Other then that not much is different...still feel like I'm going insane because of others behaviors towards me. I don't think that will ever change. I guess I'm just gonna have to brush it off or die trying. At any rate I gotta start dinner because I'm makin pasta mmmmmmmm.

Just another day...

The weekend is half over and I spent it as I always do just another day in my life. I took a step today in the right direction though. I found a school I'm interested in and I called them, I have an appointment at 10 am on Tuesday with a counselor. I'll be going for Medical Assistant if I decide to go to that school. I figure I need something I can do in a short period of time to make money. Then once I'm done with it and working and Kaiden gets a lil older I'll start school for Nursing. Which means I'll prolly never have ne more kids but I'm sure that if its meant to be it will be somewhere in there. I just need to get life on track doing something bcuz I wont always be a stay at home mom. Eventually I'll just be a lazy person sitting at home lol. Not to mention I'm sick of hearing mom bitch about the money I owe her and the way I'm paying it off not being enough. I pay it exactly when I say I'm going to and she wants more and more. So I need to get that paid off asap bcuz I cannot stand listening to her. She makes it seem like I never pay and I pay every month. At any rate....I should prolly do somethings around the house since I took a 4 hour nap today. Whoopsie lol

back to school

Well the boys finally went back to school today...so its just me and Kaiden now.....what to do what to do lol....hopefully now that the house isn't full I can get back to normal and get my ass back in school. Maybe I dunno yet...ne ways off I go to do my daily duties lol

Not fitting in the mommy mold as of late....

So as of late I've found myself unable to fit the "mommy mold" properly. I used to be the kind of person that what others thought made no difference to me and I brushed it off but as of late every time I find myself outside the "mommy" group I end up feeling worthless and wondering why the hell I don't fit the "mommy mold". Is it because I lead a different lifestyle then most mommies agree with? Is it because I have an opinion and it does matter? WTF is it? All I know is I'm getting sick of never having a group to turn to because I'm always getting blacklisted. I should just brush it off and to be honest what others think of me has no baring on what I know I am as a mother...but I can't help but wonder wtf I did that makes people be so cold with me. I'm not a bad person and I don't judge others yet everywhere I turn in this mommy eat mommy world I'm getting judged. I personally think those that judge should take a step back and realize they aren't exactly perfect and they need to focus on themselves a lil more rather then blacklisting others for not agreeing with them or their views or who they choose to hang out with...ok enough said I just needed to vent :)

Feeling a bit unsure

I'm unsure of everything as of late. Especially with the ongoing battle I seem to face with my mother. I don't want to shit talk so I won't. I will only say how I feel since we all know there are two sides to every story. For years I've felt less then perfect in her eyes, for years I never did enough to be the "best" that she wanted me to be. Over the years I've questioned why it is nothing ever makes her happy. I got pregnant without being married, that's part of life, it seems to be a growing thing in America these unwed mothers that is. No biggie really. I've tried to keep my life straight and narrow, I think all things considered it could be alot worse. But nothing I do makes a damn bit of difference because I am always the "black sheep". While others in her life could do no wrong no matter what they do I breath wrong and I'm unworthy of her love. She lies to me on a daily about her feelings or she isn't aware of what they are in either case she's too "grown up" to be doing that. I mean damn come on now! I faced my path in life head on I made choices that put me where I am and I don't blame anyone for that or try to pass the buck off on others yet I'm still not good enough. I'm sure there are mothers out there that have worse children then me. Yet they still find the way to love those children unconditionally. My mother says she loves me but her actions speak way beyond what love should be. Being a mother myself of not only 2 of my own flesh and blood but one that isn't my own blood I could never imagine saying they are losers or treating them as though they are nothing. How is it she can be so cruel? How is it that no matter what my sister does...gives up her children, never works whatever it may be she cannot ever do enough wrong to get the same treatment from mom. Why do I get the burnt end of the stick? Is it really because I remind her of my father? Or is she just flat out sick and should have never had children? I don't understand and I am driving myself insane trying to figure it all out. Maybe its just time I let go? I'm so unsure of almost everything surrounding that situation.

How?

How do they walk away
Acting as though that was a dream,
A dream never dreamt.
Leaving behind a mark,
An embedded image in your brain.
Like a scab that will heal in time,
Leaving only the small reminder of those days.
Before long they could be a passerby unaware you exist.
All those season's missed,
milestones passed.
Nothing more then a dream you never dreamt at all.

going outta my mind???

I feel like lately I'm going outta my mind....or am I? I mean I did just have a baby 5 months ago so could it be the baby blues? I've spent my entire life with negative people tearing me down and trying to convince me I'm crazy and now that I'm having difficulties coping with things I can't help but hear their voices telling me I'm nuts. For the first time in as long as I can remember I'm unable to express my feelings in words and that scares me. I've never been the greatest with telling people things but I've always known how to explain what I feel inside. Now the only thing I can even begin to think is I'm going out of my mind slowly. Life feels like a person with no voice to be heard but having so much they want to say and I'm not sure wtf is causing it or if its just my mind finally having enough after all the crap I've had to go through. At any rate I feel as though I'm losing my mind and I'm a lost cause so to speak but even those words don't seem to do justice to what I'm truly feeling deep inside. The sad part is I have no clue what I'm feeling other then empty inside but bursting with emotions. *sigh* I need sleep Good nite all!

Yes We Can!

Life is about to change as we know it and although everyone has their own opinion of how it will change I personally feel that life can't change for the worse seeing as our economy is pretty low as it is. I don't think that many people are focusing on how awesome this is to be happening in their lifetime. Obama brings hope to so many and he proved that in a time when our country has seem to lost its ability to pull together and make things right we can make one thing right. We have elected the first African American President and its beyond the color of his skin. We have shown so many children that thought things weren't possible for them that Yes They Can do things that seem out of reach! We have shown people all over the world that its possible to reach for the goals you have set and achieve them! We have given hope to those that have lost hope all together and that has shown me personally that this country we live in isn't as screwed up as it appears at times! I am proud to know that my children will be learning about this in school and it will help them realize their goals in life are reachable. I am sorry for those that are too close minded to see this as an amazing thing and focus on the color of skin, or the upbringing of a child thats now an amazing adult. I personally realize that years ago we got over colors of skin and we are all people regardless of how we were raised. I would like to congradulate Mr Obama and his family for making a life changing decision and I cannot wait to see what our future brings. Yes we can make a difference and Obama is proving that!

packathon...

Packathon 2008 begins...we're moving in less then a week and I just started packing today! I've packed 4 boxes so far and I'm running outta boxes already lol. Hopefully I'll get it all done before we actually start moving. I hate packing with a passion but the unpacking for some reason reminds me of Christmas...Lame I know lol. I hate the actual moving part though. The loading and unloading of the truck I can do without for sure. Well off to packing I go :)

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween Everyone!!!!!


I hope everyone has a safe and happy halloween. Don't forget to check your children's candy before letting them eat it! Watch out for the freaks and becareful of cars! Me and mine will be out trick or treating tonight and Kaiden will be celebrating his first ever halloween as tigger....the wonderful thing about tigger is tigger's a wonderful thing.....hee hee ne ways enjoy ur holiday!

Gone for awhile but now I'm back......

So life has been a bit crazed around these parts and I totally lost track of my blogs lol....but I'm here and alive and starting up again where I left off!!!

Lou's got a new job working tech support for 2wire only problem I foresee with it is that its 40 miles one way to his work and we only have one car which leads me to the next thing. We're trying to get together the funds to move closer. We found a place that's rent to own but we're just trying to come up with the move costs. Which leads me into the next topic...the boys....Matthew and Logan are doing well in school and they are excited to move bcuz they hate getting up at 4 am to take lou to work lol. As for Kaiden he's cut two teeth already (bottom front) and has two top teeth coming in as I type this....man is he a handfull! Hopefully with all things considered after we move I'll be able to go back to school. Here's to hoping anyway lol....well off to clean the house I go!

I've made a lil over 100 bucks in less then a month working these four sites...and with the way the economy is as of late every lil bit helps! So click one of the banners and sign up today for a totally free way to make a lil extra cash!!!!

Well with 7 days till moving day I must say we've had our share of bad shit go down. Last week was a total blur of bad thing after bad thing. Things that don't kill us make us stronger that's for sure! But hopefully with any luck at all (Not sure we have any luck to begin with) life will stop being so crazed within the next 7 days or so. Highly unlikely but its worth hoping for! Lou's last day is going to be Sunday at his job and then he'll be here till the 4th then he starts his new job. Which is good it'll give us time to get all our packing done and moved in and maybe if we're lucky a lil arranging before we both start out our new things in life...my school and his work. As much as I miss Matthew I'm kinda glad he hasn't been here for the headache of things that we've gone through. But he'll be back first week in August...Then off to school the boys go the second week in August. I can't believe that summers finally over...well for them anyway mother nature on the other hand still thinks its summer that's for sure! At any rate news flash from back home my sis was sent home from the hospital last nite. So here's to hoping she has a speedy recovery and can get life back to normal. Or whatever side of "normal" she decides to be on. Well off I go to feed the baby...as if he doesn't eat enough he's screamin like he's been starved....by the way dr yesterday for him went well he's gone from 9lbs 2 oz on June 24th to 11lbs 12 oz on July 24th!!! He's a growing boy! Peace Love and Chicken Grease See ya soon :)

Thank you for being a friend.....

As I did my morning ritual of waking up while reading news articles online I came across something that struck home...Growing up my mom and I would watch Golden Girls and laugh at how much my own great grandmother reminded us of Sophia. Although my great grandmother passed away years ago her memory lived on for me through the reruns of Golden Girls and watching Sophia. It was almost as if I was watching my great grandmother every time I turned on Golden Girls and the theme song for Golden Girls always pops into my head every time I think of her. It saddened me today to read that after 84 years on this earth Estelle Getty (Sophia) was called home today. She would have been 85 yrs old in just 3 days. Altho I didn't know her personally she will hold a special place in my heart for the great roles she brought to my tv screen and the fond memories of my great grandmother that only "Sophia" could have helped to live on. R.I.P Estelle Getty thanks for all the great times even if they were only through my tv screen.

When its time to let go of the past

When is it time to let bygones be bygones? When is the straw that broke the camels back reversed? When is blood thicker then water? Well those are things I asked myself all day yesterday....and my thoughts on those things led me to where I am now. I have a sister she's younger then me and has made quite a few choices in her life that not only myself but my entire family disagrees with. We've all sworn off talking to her ever again and decided it was better for all involved if we acted as though she doesn't exist. See my sister is Bi Polar among other things...and she's sick to say the least....its not something she can necessarily control but for a very long time I personally have felt she needed her medication to ever consider having a normal life. Only problem, she felt the opposite, medication wasn't for her or she couldn't afford it and it just ended up that the end result was she wasn't taking it and receiving the help that she needed. Thus leading her to make the many choices in her life that my family calls "bad choices". I'm a firm believer in you choose your path in life and what goes around comes around as well as if you made your choices then you have to live with those choices. Well yesterday my morals and my blood is thicker then water theory began to take a toll on me. I received a phone call yesterday from my mother. She was crying which if you know my mother you know that NEVER happens unless its serious. Come to find out my sister that has been written off from the family and has cut herself out as well....was in a very bad car accident yesterday morning...to make a very long story short she's very lucky to be alive...she sustained a lot of injuries and to be honest I'm very proud of her for making it through it. She was thrown 55 feet from a rolling vehicle so as you can imagine this was no fender bender. She is currently in a hospital back home recovering with among other things a fractured pelvic bone, so as I'm listening to my mother crying and hearing this info about my sister I can't help but think...is this the time where I need to be the bigger person and call my sister? Is this where I need to let bygones be bygones and reach out to what honestly will be the only family member I have left as I go old and gray beyond Lou and my boys? I of course waited to call. I went to bed last nite with the intention I'd call her today...I should also add that as of bedtime last nite I had not shed one tear..I had the feeling of crying but nothing would come out and I'm not quite sure why that is, but at any rate I went to bed last nite and tossed and turned half the nite only to fall into slumber to dream about her. I woke this am at 5:45 am to a horrible dream that my sister died before I could speak to her. I immediately called her of course and we cried and spoke and I can't help but wonder did I make the right choice? My sister is my sister no matter what but can I let bygones be bygones for real? Can I look past her bad choices and see the good in her? Is there any good in her left? She says she see's this accident as her second chance to make life right and lead down the right path. She's very lucky to be alive and she's aknowledging that....but is she sincere? I can't help but wonder and hope for the best not only for my relationship with her but with her health. I don't wish death on her in fact I do nothing but hope she will one day wake up and realize she needs help and there is help out there for her...could this be the one day? Well only time will tell....

17 days till school starts....

With 17 days till school starts I must admit I'm going a bit insane about leaving the boys. I keep looking for things to go wrong just to have an "excuse" why I can't leave them...that's not really very healthy now is it lol...on a different note...I'm on day 3 of 30 blogs in 30 days haha! I admit I'm surprised I made it this far typing about my boring ass life lol.

On the MIL front...the woman is driving me nutso but that's nothing new. She is complaining constantly about how things aren't working out in her favor...well gee I wonder why?!?!

Happy Friday to everyone hope you enjoy your weekend :)

2 days in one...*skipped a day so now I gotta make up*

First let me say....I'm so not doing wonderful on this 30 days and 30 blogs I already missed a day lol....so I'll make up for it in this post I'm sure since I have lots to say!!!

As some of you already know we were facing Lou being without a job come Sept. and having to move out of this house because the help was just not there. So life was seeming to be a bit hectic, no insane really. Well on the 15th I went into Empire Beauty School to sign up for August 4th class and the woman signing me up was talking to Lou and said how much she loved the food where he currently works...so he told her how they are closing and she said OMG I have a job for you! She calls her hubby and he happens to be the owner of quite a few drive thru resturants in arizona *I'm leaving the names of the businesses out on purpose*. So anyways today he interviewed with her hubby and within 2 hrs he was HIRED! So in 2 wks Lou will be starting his new job for a dollar more an hr closer to home! Then on top of all that fun stuff going on.....we finally got the ok to start hookin up our utilities at our new place and we'll get the keys there on the 1st! Life is slowly getting so much better! So not only will we be gettin the extra dollar an hour from lou's job. But we'll be getting extra money every 2 mos from my school loans and we're moving into a cheaper place! First thing I'm saving for is a second car! No more of this 1 car bull lol...Thanks to PM and a post I read there I went searching and also found out that lou's father left something behind property wise and it needs to be claimed! So lou's going to be looking into that as well! But at any rate....Wow I thought I had more to say lol....guess not oh well maybe I'll post some more laters :)

30 blogs in 30 days....

Alrighty then I've been put to a challenge and well I never miss out on one of those as of late lol...so in PM there's a lil blogger thingy goin on where we post 30 blogs in 30 days...shouldn't be so hard after all I never seem to run out of things to say. So lets start here

Day 1
I signed up for school today wooo hooo *runs around the room*. I start August 4th and I cannot wait!!! Anywho I'm off to pick up lou from work I'll catch you guys laters ;)