Fed UP!!!!!!!!

I am so damn tired of being crucified by that woman! I cannot take another moment of it. Why is it her responsibility to stick her nose so far into my business that I can't sneeze without telling her first! Just because you owe a person money doesn't mean that your entire life is indebted to that person. I make my monthly payment and she still feels the need to bitch at me EVERYDAY for my choices. I just got done writing her an email telling her not to call me anymore if this is how she is going to be. I cannot and will not spend my life 2000 miles away from a woman that still drives me totally insane by degrading me and crucifying me at every turn! I also wrote a letter to my stepdad because it seems everytime her and I cut ties him and I cannot talk ne more and he misses out on the grandkids. I am tired of cutting everyone out just because she cannot treat me human. Her fuckin dogs get treated better then me and I am so beyond done with it!

Looking for a job....

Well with the current economy standings and our finances as they are its time I find a job. Christmas is right around the corner and with all our bills I want to be sure we can afford gifts for the boys. I've been looking around for jobs and its kinda depressing when you've spent so much time at home to realize your not going to find a job as easy as you once used to. But hopefully this one pans out. It's not anything major but its an income its 10 miles away so not too bad. I'd be a server for an Italian Resturant in Tempe. I'd work 4pm till 10pm so not a whole lot of time away from my family but just enough to make a lil extra income. I have to go in tonight at 6pm to talk with the guy and fill out the application so lets hope all goes well and I don't get laughed outta the joint for not having any experience. Although isn't waiting on ur kids hand and foot kinda like being a server? LOL I highly doubt that will help me get a job though. Oh well one can hope though. Other then that not much is different...still feel like I'm going insane because of others behaviors towards me. I don't think that will ever change. I guess I'm just gonna have to brush it off or die trying. At any rate I gotta start dinner because I'm makin pasta mmmmmmmm.

Just another day...

The weekend is half over and I spent it as I always do just another day in my life. I took a step today in the right direction though. I found a school I'm interested in and I called them, I have an appointment at 10 am on Tuesday with a counselor. I'll be going for Medical Assistant if I decide to go to that school. I figure I need something I can do in a short period of time to make money. Then once I'm done with it and working and Kaiden gets a lil older I'll start school for Nursing. Which means I'll prolly never have ne more kids but I'm sure that if its meant to be it will be somewhere in there. I just need to get life on track doing something bcuz I wont always be a stay at home mom. Eventually I'll just be a lazy person sitting at home lol. Not to mention I'm sick of hearing mom bitch about the money I owe her and the way I'm paying it off not being enough. I pay it exactly when I say I'm going to and she wants more and more. So I need to get that paid off asap bcuz I cannot stand listening to her. She makes it seem like I never pay and I pay every month. At any rate....I should prolly do somethings around the house since I took a 4 hour nap today. Whoopsie lol

back to school

Well the boys finally went back to school today...so its just me and Kaiden now.....what to do what to do lol....hopefully now that the house isn't full I can get back to normal and get my ass back in school. Maybe I dunno yet...ne ways off I go to do my daily duties lol

Not fitting in the mommy mold as of late....

So as of late I've found myself unable to fit the "mommy mold" properly. I used to be the kind of person that what others thought made no difference to me and I brushed it off but as of late every time I find myself outside the "mommy" group I end up feeling worthless and wondering why the hell I don't fit the "mommy mold". Is it because I lead a different lifestyle then most mommies agree with? Is it because I have an opinion and it does matter? WTF is it? All I know is I'm getting sick of never having a group to turn to because I'm always getting blacklisted. I should just brush it off and to be honest what others think of me has no baring on what I know I am as a mother...but I can't help but wonder wtf I did that makes people be so cold with me. I'm not a bad person and I don't judge others yet everywhere I turn in this mommy eat mommy world I'm getting judged. I personally think those that judge should take a step back and realize they aren't exactly perfect and they need to focus on themselves a lil more rather then blacklisting others for not agreeing with them or their views or who they choose to hang out with...ok enough said I just needed to vent :)

Feeling a bit unsure

I'm unsure of everything as of late. Especially with the ongoing battle I seem to face with my mother. I don't want to shit talk so I won't. I will only say how I feel since we all know there are two sides to every story. For years I've felt less then perfect in her eyes, for years I never did enough to be the "best" that she wanted me to be. Over the years I've questioned why it is nothing ever makes her happy. I got pregnant without being married, that's part of life, it seems to be a growing thing in America these unwed mothers that is. No biggie really. I've tried to keep my life straight and narrow, I think all things considered it could be alot worse. But nothing I do makes a damn bit of difference because I am always the "black sheep". While others in her life could do no wrong no matter what they do I breath wrong and I'm unworthy of her love. She lies to me on a daily about her feelings or she isn't aware of what they are in either case she's too "grown up" to be doing that. I mean damn come on now! I faced my path in life head on I made choices that put me where I am and I don't blame anyone for that or try to pass the buck off on others yet I'm still not good enough. I'm sure there are mothers out there that have worse children then me. Yet they still find the way to love those children unconditionally. My mother says she loves me but her actions speak way beyond what love should be. Being a mother myself of not only 2 of my own flesh and blood but one that isn't my own blood I could never imagine saying they are losers or treating them as though they are nothing. How is it she can be so cruel? How is it that no matter what my sister does...gives up her children, never works whatever it may be she cannot ever do enough wrong to get the same treatment from mom. Why do I get the burnt end of the stick? Is it really because I remind her of my father? Or is she just flat out sick and should have never had children? I don't understand and I am driving myself insane trying to figure it all out. Maybe its just time I let go? I'm so unsure of almost everything surrounding that situation.

How?

How do they walk away
Acting as though that was a dream,
A dream never dreamt.
Leaving behind a mark,
An embedded image in your brain.
Like a scab that will heal in time,
Leaving only the small reminder of those days.
Before long they could be a passerby unaware you exist.
All those season's missed,
milestones passed.
Nothing more then a dream you never dreamt at all.

going outta my mind???

I feel like lately I'm going outta my mind....or am I? I mean I did just have a baby 5 months ago so could it be the baby blues? I've spent my entire life with negative people tearing me down and trying to convince me I'm crazy and now that I'm having difficulties coping with things I can't help but hear their voices telling me I'm nuts. For the first time in as long as I can remember I'm unable to express my feelings in words and that scares me. I've never been the greatest with telling people things but I've always known how to explain what I feel inside. Now the only thing I can even begin to think is I'm going out of my mind slowly. Life feels like a person with no voice to be heard but having so much they want to say and I'm not sure wtf is causing it or if its just my mind finally having enough after all the crap I've had to go through. At any rate I feel as though I'm losing my mind and I'm a lost cause so to speak but even those words don't seem to do justice to what I'm truly feeling deep inside. The sad part is I have no clue what I'm feeling other then empty inside but bursting with emotions. *sigh* I need sleep Good nite all!

Yes We Can!

Life is about to change as we know it and although everyone has their own opinion of how it will change I personally feel that life can't change for the worse seeing as our economy is pretty low as it is. I don't think that many people are focusing on how awesome this is to be happening in their lifetime. Obama brings hope to so many and he proved that in a time when our country has seem to lost its ability to pull together and make things right we can make one thing right. We have elected the first African American President and its beyond the color of his skin. We have shown so many children that thought things weren't possible for them that Yes They Can do things that seem out of reach! We have shown people all over the world that its possible to reach for the goals you have set and achieve them! We have given hope to those that have lost hope all together and that has shown me personally that this country we live in isn't as screwed up as it appears at times! I am proud to know that my children will be learning about this in school and it will help them realize their goals in life are reachable. I am sorry for those that are too close minded to see this as an amazing thing and focus on the color of skin, or the upbringing of a child thats now an amazing adult. I personally realize that years ago we got over colors of skin and we are all people regardless of how we were raised. I would like to congradulate Mr Obama and his family for making a life changing decision and I cannot wait to see what our future brings. Yes we can make a difference and Obama is proving that!

packathon...

Packathon 2008 begins...we're moving in less then a week and I just started packing today! I've packed 4 boxes so far and I'm running outta boxes already lol. Hopefully I'll get it all done before we actually start moving. I hate packing with a passion but the unpacking for some reason reminds me of Christmas...Lame I know lol. I hate the actual moving part though. The loading and unloading of the truck I can do without for sure. Well off to packing I go :)