Feeling a bit unsure

I'm unsure of everything as of late. Especially with the ongoing battle I seem to face with my mother. I don't want to shit talk so I won't. I will only say how I feel since we all know there are two sides to every story. For years I've felt less then perfect in her eyes, for years I never did enough to be the "best" that she wanted me to be. Over the years I've questioned why it is nothing ever makes her happy. I got pregnant without being married, that's part of life, it seems to be a growing thing in America these unwed mothers that is. No biggie really. I've tried to keep my life straight and narrow, I think all things considered it could be alot worse. But nothing I do makes a damn bit of difference because I am always the "black sheep". While others in her life could do no wrong no matter what they do I breath wrong and I'm unworthy of her love. She lies to me on a daily about her feelings or she isn't aware of what they are in either case she's too "grown up" to be doing that. I mean damn come on now! I faced my path in life head on I made choices that put me where I am and I don't blame anyone for that or try to pass the buck off on others yet I'm still not good enough. I'm sure there are mothers out there that have worse children then me. Yet they still find the way to love those children unconditionally. My mother says she loves me but her actions speak way beyond what love should be. Being a mother myself of not only 2 of my own flesh and blood but one that isn't my own blood I could never imagine saying they are losers or treating them as though they are nothing. How is it she can be so cruel? How is it that no matter what my sister does...gives up her children, never works whatever it may be she cannot ever do enough wrong to get the same treatment from mom. Why do I get the burnt end of the stick? Is it really because I remind her of my father? Or is she just flat out sick and should have never had children? I don't understand and I am driving myself insane trying to figure it all out. Maybe its just time I let go? I'm so unsure of almost everything surrounding that situation.

How?

How do they walk away
Acting as though that was a dream,
A dream never dreamt.
Leaving behind a mark,
An embedded image in your brain.
Like a scab that will heal in time,
Leaving only the small reminder of those days.
Before long they could be a passerby unaware you exist.
All those season's missed,
milestones passed.
Nothing more then a dream you never dreamt at all.

going outta my mind???

I feel like lately I'm going outta my mind....or am I? I mean I did just have a baby 5 months ago so could it be the baby blues? I've spent my entire life with negative people tearing me down and trying to convince me I'm crazy and now that I'm having difficulties coping with things I can't help but hear their voices telling me I'm nuts. For the first time in as long as I can remember I'm unable to express my feelings in words and that scares me. I've never been the greatest with telling people things but I've always known how to explain what I feel inside. Now the only thing I can even begin to think is I'm going out of my mind slowly. Life feels like a person with no voice to be heard but having so much they want to say and I'm not sure wtf is causing it or if its just my mind finally having enough after all the crap I've had to go through. At any rate I feel as though I'm losing my mind and I'm a lost cause so to speak but even those words don't seem to do justice to what I'm truly feeling deep inside. The sad part is I have no clue what I'm feeling other then empty inside but bursting with emotions. *sigh* I need sleep Good nite all!